The Power of Flour
What, exactly does it take to get kicked out of a Goblintown Gambling Hall? They're infamous for being dens of vice and thievery where the only shame in cheating is that you were caught.
"AND STAY OUT!" The massive Oruch bouncer snarls as Skyler gets yeeted out into the street, laughing like a madman as he skids along the cobbled gobble streets and skids to a stop with limbs akimbo.
The (former) pirate gets to his feet, tugs his coat back into position, and pulls a knit cap in violent bright pink and an unwholesome burnt orange with a sky blue pompom on top back into his head.
"Some people have no sense of decorum." He tuts, shaking his head, brushing the seat of his trousers off, and making his way to the window of the gambling hall he was just kicked out of to peek inside.
The Goblin was meditating peacefully... well, as peacefully as one can in a place like Goblintown.
Her little mat is set up out front of the casino, below one of the windows, for the awning there is mostly whole, and allows the wee woman to sit without being rained on. The icy rain that falls tends to collect a bit of colour on the way down, soaking up soot and other things in the air and from the buildings.
She blinks and her head turns to regard Skyler balefully. "They will come and start breaking legs if you persist in making a pest of yourself."
It's one thing to wait for the heat to die down, but this might be pushing the bounds of acceptable. Harshad is wearing extra layers this evening, his hood pulled up and his fingerless gloves exchanged for wool mittens. "Who pissed off Old Man Winter?" he mutters to himself as he steps out of the boardinghouse, putting his pipe into his mouth and lighting it.
Puffing contentedly, he starts to walk down the street, only to see someone violently ejected from the nearby gambling hall. Catching sight of the... colorful hat, the half-orc snorts. "I know who that has to be, nobody else has a hat like that..." Harshad clumps over behind the ex-pirate where he's peering in through a window. "What got you kicked out?"
When Choler speaks up, he glances down, blinks, and then smiles. "Evenin', Choler. Keeping out of trouble?"
"I bet it was that rascal Telamon." Skyler offers absently to Harshad, "He seems the type."
Whatever that means.
He straightens up, though, and tugs at his coat again, turning to grin a broad, pleased smile at the half-oruch, giving his hat a doffing so that his dark auburn hair sticks up, "Hello, Master Harshad! Been a bit... That whole mess with the fiendish cattle and the flying horse with the red man on it, right?"
To Choler, he shrugs, waving a hand dismissively, "Naaah! They like me!" He says, "Otherwise, they'd slit my gizzard and make me into a person-pie." Beat. "Or a stew. I'm a little scrawny, though." And the grin he gives the gobber is absolutely devoid of anything approaching reasonable thought, bright with excitement and charm.
He also pointedly doesn't answer the question of how he got kicked out.
Choler is up Harshad's arm before he's got four words to her, and she sits on his left shoulder, her bare feet dangling down.
"I never get into trouble." A beat. "On my own." She gives Harshad a meaningful glance.
Her gaze goes to Skyler then, an eyebrow of hers threatening to fly off her face, it is arched so high. "They would not spoil their stuews or pies with the likes of you. If they didn't like you, you would simply disappear."
Harshad looks blankly at Skyler. "Telawho? Is that the poncy git on the cover of those romance novels? Oh Lady Luck save me, I picked up a routine guard job and it was crates of those things. I'd rather have been caught smuggling Charnethi battle powder."
The half-orc rocks a little as Choler balances on his shoulder, but he smirks. "Hey, I didn't get into trouble either. I just got a good bit of work in Myrddion for a while. Good to travel sometimes." He tugs at his scraggly beard.
His eyes move to the front of the hall again. "Why, exactly, are you peering in if they've kicked you out, Skyler? It can't have been for cheating, unless you were so offensively bad at it you were ruining the mood. Did you mouth off to the dealer? I know there's one in there with a lousy attitude."
For a moment, there's a crack in that good humor himbo act that Skyler wears like a second skin, revealing that it is, in fact, an act of some degree. Something about what Harshad said? Mention of Myrddion? But it's gone almost as quick as it was there, and he's chuckling.
"Was it 'Tongue the Raven'? I have a copy of that I want him to sign." Skyler says with a disarming grin at Harshad, "The sequel 'Pothy in the Poor-House' was more riveting, though. I can't wait for the third, so we can find out what happened with Pothy and that jealous rat."
He glances at Cholar, and looks hurt, "I bet I taste good! I mean, maybe a little salty, and they'd have to use low heat for a long time to tenderize the meat, but I'm good eating!" He protests.
Still no answer to Harshad.
"No, that poncy git on the cover of a Crimson Pen novel is an idealization of Telamon, whose exploits are exaggerated or simply made up, with his name changed to avoid lawsuits. Handsome he may be, but his exploits in the bed are likely not as legendary as they are made out to be. His battlefield exploits, on the other hand, are likely underestimated in the novels."
A beat. "No, I haven't read them."
Choler frowns at Skyler. "Tongue the Raven? Gross." A deeper frown. "Cannibalization is also gross. They would simply stab you in specific spots so that you'll bleed out, and stuff you in an alley somewhere, as an example to other cheats to not get caught."
Munch buzzes happily to himself as he exits the Junkyard, a large blanket wrapped bundel in his arms. From the way he waddles, it's heavy, but doesn't seem to slow him down much. He glances over at the goblin, magicite eyes brightening with interest. "It's only canibalization if you eat your own kind. Otherwise it's just the consumption of a sentient species. Still upsets the Watch, even if they were bad guys."
Harshad reaches up to rub his nose. "I'm... not in the market, thanks." Then something Choler said catches up to him. "Wait, wait. 'Name changed to avoid lawsuits'? So these books aren't 'authorized'? Who the hell writes cheap smut about wizards and knights who can probably get away with stuffing you headfirst into a privy?"
The half-oruch gives Skyler a disgusted expression. "Look, can we forget about trying to sell yourself as soup stock? Besides, like Choler said, they'd probably just shank you and drop you down into the sewers for the otyughs to clean up."
"There's some licensed works. I have a gigantic stuffed Pothy in a corner of my inn room that's a *marvelous* armor stand!" Skyler offers cheerfully, before stuffing his questionably colored hat back on his head and rubbing his hands together for warmth.
The arrival of the golem is met with a widening of his grin, and he snap-points. "They get it!" He says, of course not assuming the Golem's sex. Gender, like Munch, is a construct after all. "I mean, how many people know 'Speak with Animals' or turn into animals? My best friend can turn into a boar, and he's a fiend for bacon!" Beat. "Not literally. He's actually half-oruch."
He shakes his head, though, and says, "Bleeding me out would be a waste of good blood. Surely they'd at least make a black pudding."
"Someone who makes a lot of money from doing so? I mean, it's totally fictional, but the people in it are obviously based on famous adventurers. People who can read seem to enjoy the Crimson Pen novels.", the Goblin replies to Harshad. She then points at the Half-Orc as she turns her gaze to Skyler again.
"See, he knows it too. They call it the shank and brank."
Choler eyes Munch, her head tilted slightly. "Eating sentient people is cannibalization all the same. For the same reasons as eating your own kind.", she says to the War Golem firmly. "No ifs, ands or buts. Eating peoples is bad."
Her eyes dart back to Skyler. "Those giant bird stuffies are cursed. It will totally eat you one day."
Munch waddles his way across the street to a closed shop, banging his head against the door three times. A few moments later, a small slot in the door opens, eyes peer for a moment, and the panel closes again. The scrape of locks being undone follows. "Nah. Humans, elves, dwarves, orcs, lutch, all flat out no. Sith, eaglrin, goblins, kobolds, rejected, but to a lesser degree. Demons, golems, centaur, usually objected, but can let it slide. Undead downs the outrage, but ups the disgust. But nonhumanoids, dragons, ents, wryms, otyugh, not exactly fair game, but few object. It's a racist system, and a bias one at that. Though most gets queasy if you fail to kill whatever it is before you start eating it. Guess 'freshness' only goes so far."
He looks to Choler. "They don't make others like me. Can barely deal with one."
Harshad stares at Munch, then shakes his head. "This city is always comin' up with weird things to throw in your way..." he muses. His eyes sweep back to Skyler and Choler. "Really? I heard something was weird about those dolls but I figured it was just talk. There's always tall tales in the taverns."
He snorts at Choler. "But yeah. Figures. We scrabble for coppers and someone's out there making gold hand over fist writing about real people with a thin disguise so someone doesn't burn his house down. There's no justice in the world, I tell you."
"But they're so twee!" Skyler shakes his head at the dire warning about the cursed stuffed animals, "I read in a book somewhere salt can ward against curses, so I stuffed a handful into it's head. I was going to take it to the temples and get a cleric to bless it, but no one's willing!"
He adds, "And I've heard that wizards can talk to inanimate objects in a sentient manner. Do you think we shouldn't eat a handpie because it named itself Carlos and told the wizard it likes walks on the beach?"
Circling back to the doll, he adds, "Yeah, they came to life and tried to murder us. Threw one onto a brazier and then someone turned into a Brass dragon and fried the rest. There was also an old blind toymaker, but we beat her up." Which sounds bad out of context.
He adds to Munch's statement, "I went to a party once where we were served live shrimp in an Dwarven liquor sauce. The squirming was weird, but they were tasty."
The Goblin looks increasingly more disgusted as Munch lists different species, sounding almost as if he may... just may... have eaten them. "That is all manner of wrong."
She hmmphs and looks away, to Harshad. A grin spreads across her face. "We could write our own stories, with the names changed." She mimes writing in her hand. "Flashed my partner again, but he simply looked away, as if I were undesirable. I am starting to think he may bat for the other team. I will try 'oops the towel slipped' later this evening after my bath..."
Choler blinks a few times at Skyler... and then shudders. "EEWWWWHHH." Probably the live shrimp and squirming.
Munch waits for the door to open, the carefully waddles inside, having barely enough roon to fit. A few steps, the bundle is set down with an audible thump, and the golem carefully backs his way out again. The moment he's clear, the door closes, and the click of locks being reset can be heard. Munch stretches, and shrugs. "Anybody can talk to inanimate objects. Getting them to talk back is the tricky bit."
He nods to Choler "Yeah, by the standards of local society. But most people don't think to explain that to a three year old. Anyway, name's Munch. Munch TerrorMaw, the Golem Who Eats. Nice ta meet ya." A handshake is offered.
Harshad peers at Munch. "There's a title for you. Although I've never seen a war golem eat. Do you taste it, or is it just... thud?" There's a pause. "I'm tempted to ask what happens after, but you know, I think I'm happier being ignorant on that."
Harshad shakes his head. "Just bring some money. I know some priests can be kinda pissy about that, but there's always one who's seeking to fill the temple coffers -- if not his pockets -- in exchange for some spells. Make it sound good too. 'Oh, I bought it for my dear niece, but I'm worried it might be -tainted-!' They'll eat that up."
At the mention of live shrimp, his eyebrow rises. "How'd they deal with the shell? You gotta peel shrimp before eatin' 'em -- even crawdads are easier to manage."
Skyler says, “'Swhy I don't play for any one team." Skyler cheerfully grins, and steps back up to the window to peer into the gambling hall. He squeaks and ducks down, sitting back to the window. In the window, the massive oruch glares out, looking left and right before shrugging and turning back to the crowd inside... But keeps close to the window.
Skyler, for his part, shifts his weight a little and settles in. This is his life now, sitting in this spot in what he hopes is a water puddle. Eww. "When you don't limit yourself, the possibilities are limitless!" Which is, of course, the definition of limitless: not limiting yourself. But he says it so earnestly, so confidently!
And to Munch's introduction, he blinks, and starts to rise before remembering the oruch in the window and settling back down. Splish splash oh god I hope that's water... And speaking of what he might possibility be sitting in, he asks, "If you eat, where does the food go? Do you baby bird, or is there a hatch..?”
She looks at the large hand dubiously, but reaches out a tiny hand to shake. "Choler.", she offers back.
The Goblin eyes Harshad a moment, "Yeah, I suppose that wouldn't exactly fly off the bookshelves." She hops off of the Half-Orc's shoulder, and moves to roll up her little mat. "All this talk of food has me hungry for honest-to-goodness-good-food. And not real peoples or living things. Actually killed animals, grilled up nice. Proper food."
Choler offers a wave to everyone, before heading into the casino. "I hear there's an all you can eat buffet in here..."
Munch buzzes in amusement, nodding to Harshad. "My sence of taste isn't anything like a humans, but it's there. Material gets analized, broken down, and processed. Some gets converted, some gets used in functional process, some gets expelled." A nod to Skyler. "Mostly thru a hatch on my lower torso. My processes mimic organic eating, but the details are way different."
He gives the goblin's hand a firm shake before watching her depart. "Nah, they don't do 'All You Can Eat' anymore. They put stipulations my first time, but after Pothy, they don't even offer it."
Harshad shakes his head. "I can't imagine 'all you can eat' in Goblintown. Forget the bird; goblins can eat a buffet down to bare plates."
His gaze moves back to Skyler, and he heaves a sigh. "For luck's sake, would you stop that? You're going to get in trouble and around here that -doesn't- mean the watch. Why the hells do you keep peering in? Did you forget something? Your coinpurse? Your cloak?"
Harshad grumbles, "...Is it a girl? I bet it's a girl."
That's when the explosion happens.
Seriously.
Inside the gambling hall, chaos breaks out as window Skyler is hiding under rattles, as does the walls and door. Skyler bounces to his feet and adjusts his coat, "I didn't forget anything." He says cheerfully, winking at Harshad and throwing him a thumbs up. "I promise you, I only *look* stupid."
And then he immediately invalidates that statement by squinting at Munch. "Is the waste still edible?"
Still no answer to Harshad, but inside the gambling hall is pure chaos as people run out, covered in what looks like flour, or white soot.
Munch is a simple man. He likes simple things. This frequently leads people to think he is stupid. That seldom ends well for them. So it's only a a moment he shows concern for the explosion, instead turning to nod the Skylar. "Anything you can swallow is edible, but by most standards is neither healthful nor nutritious. Mostly salts, and the occasional lead lined pellet of infernal essence. I wasn't designed to process that."
Harshad's hand flashes halfway under his cloak before he realizes whatever happened is... less than lethal. Still, he gives Skyler an exasperated look. "Choler's gonna be pissed... no, wait, if it didn't disrupt the buffet she'll just eat her fill first before wandering out."
He makes a face at Munch's description of his gullet's workings. "Man, I don't even want to know. I'm happier just eating normally." He pulls out his pipe, inspecting it it and knocking out the ashes. "But I think I'd better be moving along before someone asks me questions like 'did I see a human man around here?'. It's always easier to lie if you don't answer the question in the first place."
He gives Skyler a pointed look.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Skyler says cheerfully, and glances into the window, frowning as he squints. He then laughs, shaking his head as a figure comes bolting out of the gambling hall.
It's an invisible person, vaguely man-sized and human-shaped, and as he runs past, Skyler gives him a cheerful wave. "Bye!" He calls out, and then turns to the others, "Some invisible idiot tried to steal my purse. No one believed he was real, so I set up a flour bomb."
Munch's 'dreadlocks' coil and rise, several 'tracking' the 'ghost' as it runs past, magicite eyes following as well. ".....huh. Would have thought it too crowded and busy to get away with something like that. Neat. I'll have to remember using flour so others can see too."
Harshad blinks slowly as the 'invisible' man runs past. "Idiot. Why did he hang around? You don't linger after you make a score or fail, you get out and stay out." He scowls. "I bet they knew he was there, too. Be a shame if word got around about that."
He shakes his head at Munch. "Crowded place like that, easy to cut a purse. What's interesting is him being invisible -- that strikes me as an amateur move. Too much risk of bumping into people while in the crowd." He heaves a sigh. "Well, I can always play cards down in the Ox."
At Harshad's words about it being a shame, Skyler grins broadly. "Why do you think I made it so damn public." He says cheerfully, "The bouncer tried to accuse me of lying and starting trouble when I said there was someone invisible stealing from people."
He pauses, and scratches his jaw as he looks at the chaos. "Didn't quite plan for *after* the flour bomb went off, though. The alchemist I bought it from said it was harmless..."
Munch considers. "Air distributed flour, goblin extablishment that almost certainly has open flames.... we might want to step back."
Harshad does a kind of double take at Munch. "What do you mean?" But unlike Skyler, he seems to be picking up on Munch's implication. "It's not like he used swamp gas or something..." Still, the half-orc is starting to edge away from the establishment. Just because things explode or catch on fire regularly in Goblintown is no reason to linger.
"Yeah, I think it's time we moved off. Head over to that noodle shop by Targlen's, get some spicy noodles and a drink." Harshad gives Skyler a smirk. "Then we can discuss the next big score we're all contemplating."